The Blog
09/26/2010 04:33 pm: Meditations I addendum
So I posted recently on being who you're meant to be, but it occurs to me that I didn't adequately explain what that means. Maybe it deserves a little more attention.Again, being who you're meant to be can mean different things to different people. Some might think it means living in accordance with religious principles. Some might think it means adhering by a certain ethic or morality which you hold to be true. Some might think of it as a personal, individual notion--becoming that person you want to be, being the change you wish to see in the world. Regardless of how you determine what it is that you are "meant" to be, there is a certain principle which always holds true.
Tony Robbins suggests that the the formula for happiness is BP = LC. What does this mean?
BP stands for blueprint. Our blueprint is the model we hold of how things ideally should be in the world and in our lives. For example: what should a happy family be like? What should a healthy relationship be like? What should reliable and true friendships be like? How should we feel about our job? How should we feel about our social lives? Our hobbies? And so on.
Our blueprint is the standard by which we evaluate our own lives--which leads us to the other half of the equation: LC. LC stands for life condition. Life condition is the actual state of our lives.
When BP = LC, it means that our life condition (in a particular area) meets the standard by which we judge it. And when that happens, we're happy. If you think you should be able to look forward to going to work every morning, and you do, you're going to be happy about your job. If you think you should have a large circle of friends who offer you a variety of experiences and events and outings, and you do, you're going to be happy about your friendships.
When BP =/= LC (or BP != LC, for the programmers out there), we're unhappy. Someone who thinks he should have been married by 25, but is currently 32 and still single--he's not going to be happy about his love life. Someone who wants a strong bond with his children, who wants to teach them and play with them and watch them grow, but who travels five days a week for his job and spends what little time he has at home trying to sleep and recover from the week--he's going to be pretty miserable about his family life.
And to take it one step further: when BP =/= LC, and we feel powerless to change it, that's when we experience legitimate suffering. When the state of our lives does not live up to the standard we expect, and we feel like there's nothing we could do to change that--that's the kind of desperation that drives people to do things many of us might not be able to comprehend: drugs, suicide, crime, and other destructive behavior.
So what does this have to do with being the person we're meant to be? Well, to a certain extent, being the person we're meant to be (or, perhaps, becoming the person we're meant to be) is, in part, the process of tweaking the two sides of the equation so that they end up equal. One might argue that the two phases of life I described in my prior post--the mistake-making/learning phase vs. the right action/doing phase--correspond to changing your blueprint and changing your life conditions, respectively.
After all, if we're unhappy, there are two possible things we can change: (1) we can change our blueprint of what our life should be like so that our life conditions do or can meet those standards; or (2) we can change our life conditions so that they meet the blueprint.
Of course, some changes we will practically never be able to make to our blueprints--namely, anything that flat out requires us to accept pain as good. And similarly, some changes we will never be able to make to our life condition--after all, we can't control every aspect of our lives.
But there's plenty that we can change. We can alter our blueprint to interpret situations and outcomes in a different way--to find value where we saw none before, to find good in what might have seemed a disaster, to find the silver lining on the cloud, so that what we may have considered painful before is not actually all that bad. In fact, in some cases, it might be better for us in the long run. Similarly, where our life condition is a result of our choices and our decisions--ours alone, and not others'--then we have complete control over our life condition as long as we have the strength and determination to make a decision and follow through.
So, see the mistake-making phase of life is that phase where we are trying to create a realistic blueprint--that is, one that allows our happiness to be dependent on life conditions within our control; one that allows us to be at our best when life is at its worst; one that lets us weather the storms and come out stronger for having done so; one that lets us take turn our vulnerabilities into strengths, and our fears into inspirations. And in a sense, we never truly grow out of that phase, since life will always find something new to throw at us, some new complication for us to adapt to.
But at some point, we will have constructed a fairly realistic blueprint, one that more often than not is realizable. And that's when we enter the right-action phase of life. At that point, it's not about learning to see the good in the bad, not about finding strength during your weakness; rather, it's about having the will and the determination and the drive to do what you know you should do; about making the decision do make the changes to your life conditions that will put them more in line with your blueprint, even if those changes are difficult or frightening or unfamiliar.
Interestingly enough, as you get more and more into the right-action phase of life, you even begin to recognize the decisions you can make that will alter your blueprint in a way that is achievable. That is, you start to understand that certain actions and certain choices will give you the experience you need to be able to revise your blueprint in a way that gives you more control over its satisfaction. It's like a positive feedback loop: you make the decisions that help you gain strength; and that strength in turn helps you make better decisions, which in turn help you gain even more strength. When you reach that kind of self-empowerment, that's practically nothing you can't contend with.
Enough for today. Next time: on social relationships.
09/21/2010 12:16 pm: Scamming the scammer
I got an IM this morning from someone I haven't talked to in years, who I really have no reason to talk to anymore, and who has even less reason to contact me out of the blue. About 5 lines in, I could tell the account had been compromised and I was talking to a scammer. But I decided to play along...r: hi
how are you doing?
me: I'm good!
I'm officially an Esq as of yesterday
r: not too good at the moment
me: Well, I have a job.
So pretty good for me =]
r: am not good
me: huh?
oh you mean you are?
what's up?
r: i am stranded in London
[note: by this point I know a scam is forthcoming]
me: uhh
how did that happen
r: well i had to visit a resort in London on vacation and i was robbed at the park close to the hotel where i lodged
are u there?
me: yup
r: it was a terrible experience down here,all we had was taken at gunpoint,we were lucky to have left it back at the hotel when we went out
me: left what back at the hotel?
r: my passport
Got mugged at gun point last night
all cash,credit card and phone was stolen
[The classic scam.]
me: That sucks.
r: my return flight leaves in few hours but having troubles sorting outthe hotel bills
i need your urgent help
me: Which hotel is it?
r: ST George hotel
[Google reveals about 15 St. George hotels in London]
me: Which one? There are like 15 of them.
r: the one at 46 Norfolk Square Paddington - London, England
[Checks out. This is a real hotel.]
me: Is the room under your name or Mort's?
[I don't know a Mort. I made him up.]
r: room 14
me: Yeah but whose name is it under?
[Long pause here. Clearly did not know how to respond to this]
r: My return flight leaves in a few hours but I’m having troubles sortingout the hotel bills, wondering if you could loan me some dollars tosort out the hotel bills and also take a cab to the airport
me: I'm on the phone with Jim right now, he's calling the hotel to sort it all out. But they won't give him any info based on the room number alone, and the room isn't in your name.
did Mort reserve it?
[In my mind, Jim is an ambassador or police chief or someone else who is very important.]
r: can you call the hotel manege ?
me: Jim's on the phone with them right now, but they won't give him any information unless he knows the name of the person who booked the room.
r: no i think you can have the money sent to me via westernunion
me: Don't worry about the money, Jim is getting them to reverse the charges and he's sending his driver to pick you up.
Police are on their way too so you can file a criminal report.
r: so i can give you the info you need
are you kidding
me: No, why would I joke about something like that?
This is a serious matter.
r: My return flight leaves in a few hours but I’m having troubles sortingout the hotel bills, wondering if you could loan me some dollars tosort out the hotel bills and also take a cab to the airport about($1,000). I have been to the embassy but they aren't helping issues, Ihave limited means of getting out of here, so I really need your help.
Wire it to my name and hotel address via Western union
me: I already told you, don't worry about the hotel bills. Jim is talking to them now, they'll reverse all the charges.
And he's sending his driver to come pick you up.
r: no please i really need the money now
me: Why? We'll have everything sorted out in 15 minutes and the driver should be there within half an hour.
Or is there something else...?
...
are you having an affair?
r: i think western union will be fast
me: No, trust me, I use western union to wire money at work all the time.
Can take up to three days.
Much easier to just send Jim over.
r: do you no of any western union outlet around you?
me: Yes. I use it at work, remember?
r: yes please go now and have the money sent to my info please
[He's not playing along. This is not fun anymore.]
me: Okay, this is getting tiresome.
This is the oldest fucking scam in the book. The cops are already on their way to you.
I was just playing along to give them time to get there.
better start running now, fucker.
r has signed off.
09/18/2010 02:21 pm: Meditations I - on being who you are meant to be
Although a lot of what I have to say relates to Yom Kippur, by no means is this post about Judaism, or religion, even. Jewish or not, religious or not, you can relate to this.I love Yom Kippur for many reasons, many of which I won't go into just now. Significantly, though, it's an opportunity for me to disconnect from the world, from the daily flow of life, and reflect on life, on history, on actions, on purpose. To take all the chaos around me and try to find some meaning in it. And every year, that meaning changes. But today I'm beginning to see that which unifies all my prior meanderings and meditations.
Slightly less than ten years ago is when I first began to realize that Yom Kippur had non-religious significance for me. Whether or not there is some kind of higher power we call God, and whatever form He may take, I've long ceased believing that such a deity actively intervenes in my life. Sure, I may believe that things generally work out for the better at the end of the day, but that's not because I think God is watching and planning; I just think that's the way it happens to be.
So, then, why would someone with those beliefs care about a holiday in which we beg of a higher power to forgive us of our transgressions, release us from our vows, and write us into the Book of Life for the upcoming year? Well, if all we care about is literal meaning, then such a holiday has no personal significance to those with little faith in divine intervention. But, of course, we need not limit ourselves to such an interpretation.
The first year that I had this realization, I decided that Yom Kippur was an opportunity for me to allow myself to forgive myself for my transgressions. This, of course, included transgressions against friends, against family, etc., but more significantly, for me that meant transgressions against myself. Those instances where I had taken actions, whether inadvertently or not, that ultimately hurt rather than helped me. Many of us walk through life carrying our guilt with us wherever we go. And while everyone's guilt may take a different shape and form, that guilt is always difficult to let go. Forgiving ourselves for acts that we truly believe were wrong--not just because society and the law tell us they are wrong, but because they violate our own ethic or moral or identity--that is much harder than forgiving others for acts taken against us.
My interpretation of Yom Kippur since has changed from year to year, but interestingly enough, it has come full circle this year, but with a somewhat different perspective. Let me explain.
That first year of my awakening, during the evening Yom Kippur service, the Rabbi gave a talk about mistakes--an appropriate enough topic for Yom Kippur. Coincidentally enough, it also to a certain extent related to my newly realized purpose for the holiday. It was a long time ago, and I don't remember the details, but the general gist of it was this: We should not be sorry for our mistakes, as every mistake we make helps us learn and grow as people. We should only be sorry for the mistakes we make a second time.
At the time, that made a lot of sense. I was, what, 18? 19? Still developing my identity, my understanding of the world (even though at that age I thought I already knew it all). Constantly learning, constantly changing. I was bound to make mistakes. Hundreds of them. And what better way to release my guilt for my mistakes than to understand that I should, in fact, not feel guilty for them at all? That they are, in some way, a boon?
Now, that lesson doesn't change as we get older. But at some point, its relevance begins to taper off. In part, it's because the universe is less forgiving of our mistakes the older we get. It's harder to change careers at 55 than at 25. You're more likely to get away with a social blunder at 18 than at 48. There are fewer consequences for your misbehaviors and disobediences at 15 than at 35. But part of it is also that the older we get, and the more mistakes we've made, the fewer mistakes there are to make that we haven't already made before. If our goal is to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them, then at some point we should have learned enough to be able to make the right decision most of the time. And so at some point, we must stop focusing on learning from new mistakes, and instead turn our attention to retaining and applying the lessons we have already learned.
Which leads me to this Yom Kippur. A Yom Kippur where I've returned toward that first meaning of atonement as a forgiveness of your own transgressions... but in a slightly different way, as I will shortly explain. Interestingly enough, once again this year, the Rabbi at evening services gave a talk that mirrored my thoughts exactly.
"Why do we do tshuvah?" he began.
Tshuvah, in Hebrew, תשובה, literally "return" (but different meaning for the same word: "answer"), is the Jewish concept of atonement or repentance.
Why do we atone? What do we repent for?
Rather than dwell on the religious reasons, on asking forgiveness from divine providence for committing biblical sins, he decided to focus on a more spiritual or psychological perspective. The idea: we atone for not living up to who we should be.
A biblical allegory: even with little to no knowledge of the Old Testament, you may know of the story of Jacob, יעקב, and Esau, עשו, as many biblical stories make their way into popular culture. The story goes that Jacob, Esau's twin, born seconds after him, convinces Esau to trade his birthright, and with it the rights and blessings of the first-born, for a bowl of stew. Much later, as their father lay old and dying, wishing to give his blessing to Esau, Jacob, disguised as his twin, comes to his father and receives the blessing himself. Esau, in a rage, decides to hunt down and kill his cunning brother. Jacob, warned by his mother, flees for his life.
As Jacob travels, however, night falls, and he decides to rest in the wilderness, taking some stones from nearby, placing them at his head, and laying down to sleep:
ויפגע במקום וילן שם כי בא השמש ויקח מאבני המקום וישם מראשתיו וישכב במקום ההוא
In his sleep, Jacob dreams:
ויחלם והנה סלם מצב ארצה וראשו מגיע השמימה והנה מלאכי אלהים עלים וירדים בו
Jacob dreams of a ladder on the ground reaching up into the sky. And angels of God are ascending and descending the ladder.
One interpretation of this dream utilizes a play of words on the word for angels, מלאכום, which when spelled slightly differently (but pronounced very similarly), gives us the word for kings, מלכים. In this interpretation, from פסיקתא דרב כהנא (Psikta de'Rav Kahana), Jacob in his dream sees four earthly kings going up and down the ladders:
שרה של בבל עולה ויורד, ושל מדי עולה ויורד, ושל יון עולה ויורד, ושל אדום עולה ויורד
And God says to Jacob, why do you not go up?
אמר לו הקב"ה יעקב אף אתה עולה
And Jacob admits: as all these other kings must eventually come down, so I shall have to come back down.
באותה שעה נתיירא יעקב עבינו, ואמר תאמר שכשם שיש לאלו ירידה, אף אני יש לי ירידה
And God reassures him, if you go up, you will never go down for eternity.
אמר לו הקב"ה ... אם אתה עולה אין לך ירידה לעולם
But Jacob does not believe, and does not climb up.
ולא האמין ולא עלה
So why do we care about this? As I said, the story is an allegory. Jacob is given the opportunity to rise to the top, to become a king among men. Why doesn't he? Because he's afraid of a fall. Even after being assured that if he goes up, he will never come down, he still doubts (in God? or in himself?) and remains on the ground.
In fact, fear is what's gotten him into this whole situation. He has fled his home for fear of his brother. He has slept along the side of the road for fear of the dark. He has put the rocks near his head for fear of wild beasts. And now, in his dream, he does not rise for his full potential for fear of failure.
So let's tie this all together. This goes beyond just saying "don't let fear stop you from doing things." It's true that most actions taken out of fear will not be the right ones. But it's also true that giving in to our every urge and impulse without considering the consequences won't get us very far in life.
When we're younger, we're still in our mistake-making phase of life. We haven't quite figured out who we're meant to be (interpret that as you see fit: whether that means who your God wants you to be, or who your ethics and values say you should be, or who your identity tells you you are--these are all different ways of getting at the same idea: that at some point in our lives, we have enough sense of who we are and what we believe that more often than not we know what we're supposed to do, or what we should do, or what we need to do, or what we want to do, even if we hesitate in actually doing it). And while even at that stage of our life, facing our fears may be better for us, we're still learning and growing, and what we might think we should do may not always be the right choice. So, fear or no fear, we make our choices, we make our mistakes, and we learn from them.
But now I'm getting at that older, wiser stage of life. At that point where we've made enough mistakes and learned enough about our model of the world, what we want, and what we expect, that we often know what the right thing to do is--whether that right thing be a religious commandment, a moral imperative, or just a personal set of desires and goals. It's the difference between looking back at your decisions and and realizing what you should have done, versus knowing in the moment, before you've even made a choice, what the right choice is. At a certain stage of your life, you can start relying on your intuition and your instincts, because more often than not, they won't mislead you. That's where this second lesson comes into play.
Because, see, doing the right thing is hard, even when the right thing is good for everyone involved. Being true to yourself and being who you're meant to be is almost always like climbing a ladder: doing so will let you achieve new heights and new feats, but it carries with it risks. You may be pulled down or rejected by those who choose to stay on the ground. You may be mocked or impeded by those who have already reached the top. And worst of all: you might fall. And the higher you climb, the greater the fall. If you stay on the ground, you may never grow, you may never triumph. But you're comfortable with where you are now. It's familiar. Even if you aren't happy with it, better the devil you know than the devil you don't. The fall from up on high may not be so bad--but you can't be sure. And so many of us choose to stay on the ground, even when we know what we should do, what we're supposed to do--as if we were assured that if we climb up, we will never have to come down--because what if?
In practically anything we pursue in life, at some point we will hit a plateau. We'll get off to a great start, make progress, be proud of ourselves, but then we get stuck for a period of time. And often times between the plateau and the next peak lies a valley. We know we want to reach that next peak. But the plateau is comfortable. And what if we go down into the valley and find that we don't have the strength to make the climb back up? Or perhaps we're just too caught up in our own ego and our ability to have made it this high, that we aren't wiling to let that go and climb back down, even if only temporarily. And so many of us make camp on the plateau and remain there indefinitely, and never become who we know we are meant to be.
And here we come full circle. We atone to forgive ourselves for our own transgressions. For all those times that we knew what was right, but refused to do it. For all the times we had the opportunity to be great, but held on to mediocrity for fear of failure. For knowing who we're meant to be, and choosing not to take that path. We atone to relieve ourselves of our guilt and to permit ourselves to start anew, to try again, to decide to follow the right path this time, undeterred.
And maybe this time, we'll succeed.
04/30/2010 02:16 pm: These are the types of conversations I have on Fridays when things are slow
These were multiple separate conversations, but I decided it was easier to just merge them into one (with some editing).Brian: now I have to ask if there was a hot chick next to you when you woke up
Me: that would have been nice, but no
Brian: Then there was no point! It doesn't matter how good the food smells if you can't eat it
Me: listen, sometimes you gotta spend some time cooking your food before you eat it. or you have to go out to buy ingredients. I'll try to get some cooking done soon =] but I already have other dishes I'm trying to cook right now, and while there's no such thing as too much food... wow this is the best analogy ever.
Brian: now you are making me hungry
Me: literally hungry or metaphorically hungry?
Chris: hungry and horny are almost the same word
me: I KNOW, RIGHT?
Willy: And both are carnal basic desires. However one exception... sex should always be free.
Me: Well, food is free (not including groceries) except w hen you pay someone else to make it for you. Much like sex =]
Willy: I stand corrected. I guess there's some economic value in alcohol, dinner, cab ride, whatever.
Brian: so... paying someone for sex is like... ordering food?
Me: Sure. Close enough.
Brian: just depends on the quality I guess
Me: and how much you paid.
Brian: street food to high-end quality stuff.
Me: gives a new meaning to "getting some food from the place on the corner"
Brian: oh yeah. you wanna get it delivered too?
Me: well delivery costs extra for a reason
Willy: Food off the corner is great when it comes to 53rd and 6th ave halal. I'm gonna defend that place til I get herpes.
Me: Hey, sometimes that's just what you're in the mood for. If you eat steak every night you're bound to get sick of steak. Also after that last comment I can't figure out if you eat halal or have sex with the employees.
Willy: steak, oh man... that food has a special place in my soul. All sex symbol right there! That's why you gotta cook steak different. BBQ, broiled, with spices, different cuts, etc.
Me: I love all food but kimchi always gets me worked up.
Willy: I work in an environment that's 80% male in their minimum 40s. I'm the steak here for all I know, or halal.
Me: There's a big difference between steak and halal. Both are in demand, but halal usually when you don't have time or money for a better meal. Also, you wouldn't take your parents out for halal.
Willy: Wanna bet?
Me: Well, most people =]
03/04/2010 10:02 am: "I really miss having my computer": A Response
Listen, getting all hung up on this one computer isn't gonna do you any good. I know you had some good times together, but now it's gone, and it may come back and it may not, but you can't wish it back, and dwelling on it isn't going to solve anything.My best advice to you is to just sever and make a clean break. If you try to call to check up on it or check on its status online, it'll just make the healing process longer and harder. The sooner you cut it out of your life completely, the easier it will be to let go of the past and just move on. If it helps, get rid of things that remind you of it--CDs you burned on it, programs you installed on it, even the mouse you always used together.
Some people think that the best way to move on is to jump right back out to the computer stores and try out some new ones--no long-term commitments, just browse the web a bit, do some word-processing, maybe play a computer game with the occasional one with low protection settings. You know, get those urges out of your system. If you do, though, just make sure to wear gloves, because you never know who used that keyboard before you.
Personally, I don't think that's the best solution. It's just going to feel empty and meaningless, and you'll think more and more about how great it was to have your own computer, where you could install your own programs and make your own user account. A computer where you didn't have to worry about other people's files, a computer that was always available when you wanted to use it.
Instead, I'd recommend just taking some time off from computers. Maybe pursue some hobbies, go to the gym, reconnect with friends. Focus on improving yourself. It'll make you feel more fulfilled in life, and when you're finally ready to find a new computer, it'll be so much easier.
Eventually you'll forget all about your old computer and you'll start taking a more active interest in new ones--better ones, even, with faster processors and bigger hard drives. And eventually you'll find the right one, the one you'll want to bring home and fill up with your files. You might even store some encrypted files on there, for no one else to see. If you're lucky, the next computer will last you a long time... but statistically, there's a 50/50 chance that something will fizzle and die after a few years, and you might have to part ways again, and start the whole process over.
I know it's tough. I've lost some computers too--on a few occasions, computers that I had so much faith in and invested so much time in that I didn't even think to make any back-ups. And when I got that BSoD, I was devastated. But you always bounce back eventually, and you come out of it a better person than you were before. Hang in there, buddy.